Ok, so far this week my life has been far from exciting! Have been doing the usual thing, housewifely duties(not that!), playing Mum, sorting the kids for school-uniform, books, bags, shoes etc...the list goes on and on and on and......
Nothing really that is vaguely amusing, so i thought I would post something else instead.......
My daughter received a mail from her cousin, which she forwarded to me, i read it with much amusement and a certain sense of pride that one so young (she is 15) could write with such clarity and find such delights in human nature and transpose those thoughts into something which in my opinion is very adult, suprisingly accurate and above all else extremely funny.
Here goes...
"I was sitting at home thinking of all my lovely friends, and I though of all my girl-friends. I thought of just how much I love them, and although we're all different we have so much in common. I think that I wrote this email so that we can all be proud that we are WOMEN!
We should be proud because:
Shoes-
Our feet have now shaped themselves to fit into slim-line, yet mahoosivly high heeled shoes. We have the ability to walk and run in them, and still look glam. And no matter how much these kitten heel babies rub, and blister and BURN our icklyefeet, we wouldnt EVER let it show
Mirrors-
We can make anything a mirror, be it our favourite shiny cd or a nearby parked car's wing mirror. We're just comprimising! Every window we check ourselves and make sure our bum is still looking slim and our hair is still un-frizzy.
Getting our own way-I'm sure we away with things that most blokes do not! We can flirt and giggle, and flutter our eyelashes into anywhere, or to get anything. Well- I think we could get a free night out i suppose, flutter ya lashes at the bouncer of a club, then again at a young gentlemen at the bar, or even the bartender ;) If a dude did that to me I'd tell him where to stick it and say mate you know where the back of the line is? Go there, and hop it before I get my brick filled handbag out.
Sports-
we can throw we can catch we cant kick. Only when boys are about though. We can play netball like no other sex and we look damn good in short skirts. We like beachgames as long as we can get a tan, and swimming is okay when theres a fit lifeguard about.
Gossip-
We cannot get enough dirt on people. We love reading gossip magazines and spend hours on the phone talking about other people- its our favourite hobby yet get seriously pissed hwne people gossip about ourselves.
Soppiness-
Awww! Theyre kissing! How sweet! We love a romance. We may be jelaous, but we still think it all so cute. We can watch a million cheesey comedy romances at sleepovers and still never get bored. We are all too willing to set our friends up with the boy down the road, or our mum up with our maths teacher.
Handbags-
hello the handbag doesnt go with the outfit, its SO the other way around. If you have just bought the most gorgeous handbag, you just have to may your outfit work round it! Of course there is a handbag and pair of shoes to go with every outfit. You know if you buy a new topeyou have to buy the rest to match-from earrings to undies.
Periods-
:O What was that curse word? We cope with these things and barely complain- the only people we hear complaining are the blokes, cos we're moody. Well, we wouldnt be women if we didnt throw the occasional tantrum. We complain that we look fat and bloated at this time of the month, and yet we crave chocolate and all things sweet n sticky. Even the slightest things fill our eyes up with tears, I remember crying my eyes out when I couldnt find my science book for school one morning. Men suffer when we do, perhaps from now on we should give the lads a pre-warning to let them know- so they can prepare themselves, you know, bullet proof vest etc. oh and with their wallets, WE WANT WE WANT WE WANT!
Compliments-
Bringing up the fact that you look fat, ugly, you're a bitch. No one will argue! "course you're not babe" We love it, it makes us feel good, and plus we've learnt if we compliment other girls they compliment us too. Always a good way to pyscologically shrink your bum size.
Retail therapy-
Why is it no matter how down you feel, shopping make you feel so much better? You trapse round the shops, you know all those drab ones with tv's n stuff in, then you reach the clothes shops! Woooo! How much do we love shopping? too much. We spend our wage packets straight away on clothes and all things girly. We cannot resist a bargain and can smell it from a mile away. We brag about our bargains to our friends, and when we get home with tip our carrier bags upside down and try everything on! We hate going in blokes shops-theyre so damn boring and lack the colour pink.yES BLOOD!!!!!!
Make-up-
We look good but we can always look better. We will sit for hours doing our hair, our nails and our make-up for a walk down to the local newsagents. Even if we're going nowhere we can amuse ourselves trying new hairstyles and colours on our toes, and you never know when a cute postman may come to your door.
Jealousy-
Shes pretty? Prettier than us? We hate her. Anyone who is so min numbingly beautiful has to be a bitch, and we already dont like her. We go out of our way to make her feel pushed out, when secretly we want cute lashes and big boobs like her! And shes clever too? Hey we can do algebra! We make ourselves look total morons to upstage someone who only needs us to make her look so perfect.
perves-
Yes, dont we just love them. Perverts. All of them, the ones who hang out their car windows drooling, or beeping, cheering, or the ones who gawp down your top while you're talking to them, the ones who a little too hand and on and will do anything to get close to your bosoms or bring their size up in conversation, or maybe the ones who just try to get you to go on a date with them, and you feel like asking them, what about your wife, and will your old peoples home let you out at that time of night? We can deal with them. We know every trick in the book to fob them off, and to reject them, be it gently or with a sharp tongue. We are strong.
Fluffy, and sparkly-
WHERE WHERE?! We love these things. A kitten, how sweet! Anything soft and furry with little dough eyes we would take home with us anyday instead of a dude. and glittery sparkly thing- I dont know it kind of makes us sound like magpies, but anything sparlly and shiny we give them our attention. Diamond rings to the latest eyeshadow. We like all things beautiful.
Acting dumb-
We will do anything for a cute guy, and to make us look innocent and to make the man feel strong and superior, we let them think we're weak, and stupid. We get them to open our can of fizzy, and scream whenthe fizz squirts us. We dont know anything about cars, we leave that to the men. We ask them questions, with blatently obvious answers, and we make them lift things that we could do with one acrylic nailed hand behind our back.
Bras and undies-
We are proud of our boobs- Althoughsome men are kind of taking our glory away. Some of us choose to show them off, and others choose to be erm...slightly more discrete with proving our girliness! When we have a sexy bra on we feel good. Wonderbras are groovy, and sports bras are black eye savers. Padded bras are all very well until them come off, and no bra at all means freeeeeeedom. Thongs mean a constand wedgy yet no VPL! Granny panties are damn comfortable, but again when clothing comes off now quit as attractive. White bras go grey, and black shows through when you get caught in the rain. Neverwear black undies with white trousers.
Men-
We love them and we hate them. What would we do without them? They're cute, handsome, sensitive, kind, strong, clever- and yet sometimes they are tossers, arragont, womanising, rude and damn right unladylike. But we love em. Really we do, come on admit it. I mean I have to admit I have felt like chooping a few pairs of bollocks off in my time. But lets forgive and forget. For men give us the fuel and the determination to be proud and strong women!
We are women, we are pretty, we are proud!" Thought this was great, i have left all the spelling errors and others in didn't want it to seem too perfect.....am lovin the Men advice and the amazing frankness concerning Bras and Undies. Hope it makes you smile. I know I did. Love Evie xx
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